Jay Richard Clarke

My beautiful son, Jay Richard Clarke, was born nearly 6 weeks early on 16th March 2009 weighing 4lb 10oz. I was so proud of him. He was absolutely gorgeous with fluffy fair hair like a little hamster, and wide inquisitive eyes.

Even though he was premature, he seemed healthy and well, so he wasn't admitted to SCBU, and we were discharged from the postnatal ward 6 days later.

Then, a week after we were discharged, I noticed he had gone grey and floppy after a feed. When I checked, he wasn't breathing. I started screaming, thinking he was dead, but managed to get my head together and started trying to ressucitate him. After what seemed like forever, he gave a little splutter, opened his eyes and started breathing again. I was so relieved, and felt soo lucky not to have lost him.
The paramedics arrive shortly after and Jay was admitted to the Children's Hospital of Wales. They could find nothing wrong with him, and he was discharged a few days later. Then, the same thing happened a few days later - he stopped breathing after a feed, and I was able to ressucitate him. He came round much quicker than before. This time he spent a week in hospital. During his stay, he stopped breathing again, but this time, it was much less serious and he came around quickly.
The doctors did various tests on him, but again could find nothing wrong. The apnoea attacks were put down to prematurity. As each attack had been less serious than the one before it, and as Jay had reached 'full term', we were assured that it was probably down to prematurity, and it was unlikely to happen again.
We were discharged from hospital, this time with an alarm that would go off if Jay stopped breathing.

Then, on the 17th April 2009, the apnoea alarm went off when me and Jay were asleep. Thinking that the alarm was playing up, I glanced over, only to see that Jay had gone grey and was completely still and lifeless. Whilst I was obviously worried and upset, it never crossed my mind that he might die. After all, this had happened three times before, and each time he had been succesfully ressucitated.

I called an ambulance and started attempting to resucitate him. But there was no response. The paramedics were there within 90 seconds and given what had happened before and how well he had always responded to ressucitation; I was certain that they would be able to bring him round.

I started to realise that something was different this time when I saw the looks on the faces of the paramedics when they saw Jay.

And then, they wouldnt allow me in the back of the ambulance with him. I had to sit in the front. Whilst we were driving for hospital, I kept waiting for the paramedics who were working on Jay to shout through some good news, to tell us that they'd got a pulse, and he was alright. The paramedic who was driving said very little, he seemed totally lost for words. I think he also thought it was a little odd how calm I was. I wanted to say to him "It's ok, he's done this before, any minute now he'll come round". I was so convinced he was going to be ok. And then he said "At the hospital they'll do everything they can".

That really shook me up. I have always felt that you know it's bad when they say "we'll do everything we can".

When we got to hospital, the room filled with people, doctors and nurses. A nurse was assigned to look after me. He gave me a commentary on what was going on. The time seemed to be going so quickly, and still, there was no response from him. Six doses of adrenaline and still nothing. After twenty minutes they said "we've got a pulse" and I felt relief flood through me. He was put on a life support machine and we were told he would be taken to Intensive Care.

I felt sure that was a positive thing. The nurse assigned to look after me kept gently trying to tell me just how bad things were looking for Jay, to prepare me, but I could only hear positive things. I couldn't allow myself to think that he might actually die.

I was taken to a little room with a box of tissues and a picture of a flower on the wall. I've only been in a hospital room like that once before - and it was bad news.

Eventually we were taken up to the Intensive Care Relative's Room while we waited for them to stabilise Jay. We were told that he was making some attempts at breathing again, which I felt sure was a good thing.

After many hours, we were allowed to see him. As soon as I saw him, wired up to various scary looking machines, I knew that he'd already gone.
My gut feeling was confirmed when the consultant took us into a little room to speak to us.

The ressucitation team had eventually managed to bring back him body, but they could never bring back his mind.

She told us that there was very little hope of him surviving, and if he did, it would not be a positive outcome because he was so severely brain damaged he would only ever be in a vegetative state. She said that although he had made some attempts at breathing, they were 'extremely abnormal and worrying' attempts, and she said they were like the 'last gasps someone takes before they die'. She explained he had been without oxygen to his brain for a total of half on hour, which had caused catastrophic damage to his brain, damage which no treatment could ever repair. She said we should consider turning off the life support machine.

It was the worst decision Jay's father and I have ever had to make. But we decided that because we loved him so much, we should let him go. The machine was turned off around midnight, and Jay died in our arms shortly afterwards.

Jay was so perfect, a beautiful little angel. I feel blessed to have had him in my life, and so grateful for those 5 weeks that we had with him.
He may not have been with us long, but he has left a lasting impression on the lives of those who loved him.
I wish so much that things could have been different and I will probably never understand why he was taken from us, but I hope in time I can come to accept it.

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"I'll lend you for a little time a child of mine," He said.
For you to love - while he lives
And mourn for when he's dead.

It may be six or seven years
Or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call him back,
Take care or him for Me?

He'll bring his smiles to gladden you,
And should this stay be brief
You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay,
Since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.

I've looked this world over
In search for teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd
Life's lanes, I have selected you.

Now will you give him all your love,
Nor count the labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call to
Take him back again?"

I fancied that I heard then say,
"Dear Lord, Thy will be done,
For all the joy Thy child shall bring,

The risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness,
We'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known
Forever grateful stay.

But should the angels call for him
Much sooner than we've planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that come
And try to understand."

*****************

If roses grow in Heaven, Lord,
Please pick a bunch for me.
Place them in my baby's arms
And tell him they're from me.
Tell him that I love him,
And when he turns to smile,
Place a kiss upon his cheek
And hold him for awhile.
Because remembering him is easy,
I do it every day
But there's a pain within my heart
That will never go away

******************

An angel wrote in the Book of Life
My Jay baby's date of birth
Then whispered as she closed the book
"Too beautiful for Earth"

******************

You never said I'm leaving
You never said good-bye
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knew why

A million times we've needed you,
A million times we've cried.
If love alone could've saved you,
You never would have died.

In life we loved you dearly,
In death we love you still.
In our hearts you hold a place,
No one else will ever fill.

It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you didn't go alone.
Part of us went with you,
The day God took you home.

******************

A tiny flower,
Lent not given,
To bud on Earth
And bloom in Heaven